The bill

Following on from my previous call to my old mobile phone company telling them I was disconnecting, I got this, a bill for three cents:

[Vodac bill for 3 cents]

Rather than spend forty-five cents sending them a cheque, I gleefully rang them at their own expense on their Freecall number to have a good laugh. They most generously said they would waive the three cents.

The best fun

I’ve been having the best fun. Last week I got to write a letter to a phone company. I got to tell them that their threat to cut me off for not paying them a bill doesn’t hold much weight because I asked to be disconnected – and that’s why they shouldn’t be sending me bills any more. Trust me, it’s a hell of a lot of fun letting off steam at big corporations.

Not Australia’s Most Wanted

Australia’s Most Wanted man, Brett Maston, is no longer most wanted – in fact he’s now "The Criminal Formerly Known As Most Wanted". They caught him over the weekend in Perth. Lucky the Victorian police didn’t get to him first or he’d probably have been shot.

But there’s something I don’t understand. Last week his face was splashed all over the newspaper and television, along with such phrases as "armed and dangerous", "do not approach", and "don’t mess with this cat". The entire population was encouraged to etch his face into their minds and upon spotting him, ring the authorities.

This week they show footage of him cowering under police guard, and someone somewhere has told them to explode his face under one of those mosaic things so we can’t see him! Why? You showed us what he looks like last week! I mean, all we have to do is dig out last week’s newspaper!

Time Travel

I’ve been thinking about time travel… let’s hope that it’s impossible. If they ever invent it, it could be VERY embarrassing. Can you imagine going back forty years and explaining to someone what life was like in the 1990s?

So, in the 1990s do you all fly around in helicopters?

Uh no, no we don’t. We walk, drive cars, catch trains and…

What, just like in the 1940s?

Yep.

So what’s different?

We have more cars. So we build lots more roads.

Ah, I see, to make sure all the cars flow smoothly. And do they?

No. So we knock down lots of houses and trees and build really big roads, called freeways.

And do they make all the cars flow smoothly?

Umm, not really, look, I’ll get back to you on this.

Okay, what technological breakthroughs have you made?

We’ve perfected technology such as lasers, magnetic media, infra-red…

And what are they used for? Healing the sick? Feeding the hungry? Stopping pollution?

Ummm.. they’re respectively used for playing hiss-free music, making sure you don’t miss a movie when you’re out, saving having to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel…

Haven’t you done anything useful?

Oh, we have got a new thing, called the Internet. It’s a global network of computers. It can transmit information to anywhere in the world in seconds.

That sounds good. What’s that used for?

Lightbulb jokes, mostly.

Onions

In my secondary career as a first class gourmet cook, I’ve come to a little conclusion about cutting onions.

I think onions have a defensive mechanism. Like plants that are poisonous, so nobody eats them. Onions make you feel guilty… poor little onion… wasn’t doing any harm… not its fault it’s such a good ingredient… I won’t hurt you little onion… Boohooohooo…

Garlic has a defensive mechanism too. And the human race has now learnt that if you eat too much garlic, people will keep their distance, and the dog might drop dead from the whiff.