Home life

Diary of an average Australian baby

Baby's diary. Woke up. I was hungry, so I asked for my food. The foolish parents ignored this, going to the trouble of changing my perfectly good pants. And I'd just made them nice and wet, too! They wouldn't stop changing me, no matter how much I complained. They change me before giving me my food. The nerve! I demanded to see someone in Customer Service, but to no avail. Anyway, it was night,


Video tapes

It's time to admit that I too many video tapes. Far too many. So many, in fact, that it's too much of an effort to count them so I can tell you how many there are. It's... it's... somewhere around the region of... um... 300. Yes, three hundred. <DEFENSIVE MODE> Look, I don't know how it happened, okay? They bred! The bloody things have been appearing from nowhere for years now. Fact is, I

Home life


Why do some sinks in toilets have two separate taps that come out on different sides of the sink? So to wash your hands, you either have to freeze them, burn them, or move them rapidly between taps, resulting in what is very much a half-burnt, half-frozen hands situation. One could, of course, find the plug, run some water, etc, etc, but by the time you'd finished all that it would be time to go t


Useless information in my brain

It's strange the useless information that floats around in the brain, remaining there even though it (a) hasn't been used for years, and (b) is entirely useless anyway. For instance, floating around in my brain, weaving its way in and out and around the first seventy-five digits of pi (don't ask), is the fact that the average person, on average, averagely blinks every six seconds. This fact proba


Challenge of the year

We face possibly the biggest challenge of the year in the coming week. Forget moving house. Forget the baby's arrival. We have to tidy the desk. A new computer is coming. Yep, a multimedia Pentium system, which should be state of the art for at least 15 minutes. It's been a good 10 years since I actually bought a newcomputer on the cutting edge of technology. I'd almost forgotten what it was like

Home life


My mother is a pauser. On the phone to her, those moments of silence which at a party would spell instant death are commonplace. But you can tell I work in computers; all I can think about is the wasted bandwidth. An open line, between her place and mine. Broadcasting static. What a waste. (My mum read that entry, and boy did she take it seriously!)


Winter and spies

The winter has arrived in Australia. Well, okay, so those of you in the northern states probably haven't even noticed. But we down here in Melbourne certainly have, I can tell you. I'm glad I've already had my winter haircut. If I have a haircut after it starts to get cold, for the first few days afterwards my ears are liable to freeze off. Not that it gets terribly cold. It's not the icy bitterl

Home life

The manual

They often say that life doesn't come with an instruction manual. I discovered during the birth that this is not entirely true. Attached to the placenta was the following leaflet: CONGRATULATIONS on the delivery of your new BABY-1000 CRYING MACHINE.The BABY-1000 is programmed to be easy to use and care for. Use this chart as a guide to how to operate your BABY. Basic interaction with your

Home life

Birth report

Okay, I know you've all been waiting to hear about this. Well okay, so a few of you have shown a passing interest. All right, so one person asked when it happened. Here's the birth report. I'm not completely knowledgable on all the correct terminology, so forgive me if it sounds a little muddled. It all started yesterday morning, around 1am, when L's contraptions started getting strong. Yes, the

Home life

Imminent arrival

Okay, it's Sunday night. I spurn the Eurovision Song Contest and pump up the Led Zeppelin. I wipe the screen with my promotional DHL static wipe thing, and sit down at the keyboard. But am I inspired? To be honest, no. Actually, it's lucky that I made it. With the baby almost overdue(*), it's impossible to plan beyond the next ten minutes. Sure, I planned to do the drying-up, take a quick visit i