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Home life

Isaac’s progress

If you wondered, the baby’s doing well. Little Isaac is settling pretty nicely into his new life. Six weeks old and he knows exactly how to get food and a cuddle: Make noise. I haven’t got the heart to tell him it doesn’t work like that throughout life. He’s growing well, though his hair still  ... [More]

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Home life

Diary of an average Australian baby

Baby’s diary. Woke up. I was hungry, so I asked for my food. The foolish parents ignored this, going to the trouble of changing my perfectly good pants. And I’d just made them nice and wet, too! They wouldn’t stop changing me, no matter how much I complained. They change me before giving me my  ... [More]

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Home life

Taps

Why do some sinks in toilets have two separate taps that come out on different sides of the sink? So to wash your hands, you either have to freeze them, burn them, or move them rapidly between taps, resulting in what is very much a half-burnt, half-frozen hands situation. One could, of course, find the  ... [More]

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Home life

Pauser

My mother is a pauser. On the phone to her, those moments of silence which at a party would spell instant death are commonplace. But you can tell I work in computers; all I can think about is the wasted bandwidth. An open line, between her place and mine. Broadcasting static. What a waste. (My  ... [More]

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Home life

The manual

They often say that life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. I discovered during the birth that this is not entirely true. Attached to the placenta was the following leaflet: CONGRATULATIONS on the delivery of your new BABY-1000 CRYING MACHINE. The BABY-1000 is programmed to be easy to use and care for. Use this chart  ... [More]

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Home life

Birth report

Okay, I know you’ve all been waiting to hear about this. Well okay, so a few of you have shown a passing interest. All right, so one person asked when it happened. Here’s the birth report. I’m not completely knowledgable on all the correct terminology, so forgive me if it sounds a little muddled. It  ... [More]

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Home life

Imminent arrival

Okay, it’s Sunday night. I spurn the Eurovision Song Contest and pump up the Led Zeppelin. I wipe the screen with my promotional DHL static wipe thing, and sit down at the keyboard. But am I inspired? To be honest, no. Actually, it’s lucky that I made it. With the baby almost overdue(*), it’s impossible  ... [More]

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Home life

An astonishing week

It’s been what you might call an unusual week for me. Please allow me to tell you all about it. ASTONISHING EVENT #1. I really thought it would never happen. I thought it was the kind of thing that only happened on TV shows where the main character was 35 weeks pregnant. But it really  ... [More]

Categories
Home life TMI

Twine

I’m holding, in my other hand(*), a box of twine. What strange stuff, twine. It must come from a twine factory. I wonder how many people work there. And what they say at parties when people ask them what they do. "Oh well… I make twine. Yeah, you know how when you get the packet,  ... [More]