The chocolate smear

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from a decade of nibbling chocolate at my desk, it’s that it can be a messy business. You chomp into the bar and depending on consistency, chocolate splinters can go flying. Some might land on the desk itself, some might embed themselves into the gaps in the keyboard, and some might fall onto your clothing.

The desk is straightforward, just brush them off into the bin (or into your mouth if the desk is clean enough, you’re hungry enough, and the splinters are sizable enough to make a difference to your hunger… and there’s nobody else watching). The keyboard can do with a whack every once in awhile, which will bring tumbling onto the desk a wide variety of little bits of food and other stuff you never realised lived in your keyboard. Horrible, isn’t it. Really horrible. This is why people vaccuum their keyboards, so they don’t have to look at this kind of residue.

But clothing? Stop right there. What you don’t want to do is the reflex action — to wipe it away with your hand. Why? Because you are not a reptile, and your hand is almost certainly warm. Try and brush away chocolate in an office environment, and you almost certainly end up with a chocolate smear on your clothing instead.

My strategy, after years of trial and error, is to stand up and shake the chocolate off my clothing. No human contact, no melting onto my newly drycleaned trousers, no mess, no fuss.

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8 Replies to “The chocolate smear”

  1. I must also say, the flaw in your strategy appears when one is driving … you can’t just stand up and shake the chocolate off, and inevitably you end up with chocolate smears in your lap when you arrive at your destination.

  2. And choc-tops at the movies present a problem too. You can’t see where the chocolate has gone AND you can’t stand up to shake it off so it sits, melting away for two hours. Astor choc-tops seem especially prone to splintering on the first chomp.

  3. The movies for me. It is inevitble no matter how much care you take. It is a conspiracy between National Foods and Lever and Kitchen with Brown Gouge a small player too.

  4. How can you POSSIBLY waste ANY chocolate?!? I have a specially-designed chocolate-eating bib which i wear whenever i chomp on the yummy delights of the dark! It’s like one of those bowl/scoop bibs a baby wears, but extra-large for a grown-up. Then, you don’t have to worry about where the crumbs fall, because they call all be easily retrieved afterwards… Chocoholics Rulz! hahahaa!

    Mallard :o)

  5. Trish, there are trained professionals with vaccuum cleaners to take care of the carpet! Yes, alas, driving is a problem… at least if you’re not in a convertible.

    Tony, this post was partially inspired by an incident at the Kino cinema last Friday night :-)

    Mallard, we require a picture please.

  6. Why are car floors carpeted anyways? They get dirty and are impossible to clean decently. A Landie has a wash-out interior – why haven’t more automakers followed this?

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