Call now!

The state and federal governments have been splitting up government businesses and selling them off. To introduce competition, they say, to improve services.

So now the Victorian police are having problems responding to crime. 45 minutes to get to a burglary, that sort of thing. So I was thinking… they should do the same thing: privatise the Police. Perhaps they could split them into Hillside Police and Bayside Police. At first they’d just cover particular areas, but later you could ring whichever one you think will arrive sooner and be better at solving your crime.

Later on, they could open up the market to other police companies and of course introduce the inevitable user-pays fee structure. They’d advertise on TV – "XYZ Police! Just dial 1444 before you dial 000! Try our premium crime-solving service – for only $20 per crime, guaranteed offender charged within 7 days or your money back! Free membership to our Frequent Victims Plan! Call now!"

Members of Parliament are also coming under fire for their high wages, wasteful expense budgets, and abuse of government credit cards. So perhaps it’s also time we privatised them. Let’s start with two sets of MPs. Vote for whichever set you think would do the job better.

Oh wait, we already kinda have that, don’t we.

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