Did we really vote these people in?

After watching the news over the weekend, I’ve got a question about the Earth Summit. What the hell is our government doing? Our esteemed Prime Minister John Howard is zipping around the world claiming that somehow we Australians are special and shouldn’t have to be part of legally binding global greenhouse gas reductions?!

Oh, terrific. And if we do that, so can every other country in the world, and then where will we be? "Oh yes, we in Pollutia believe our particular target should be a 100% increase in our greenhouse gas production, because that way we’ll make more money." Terrific.

I wouldn’t blame Bill Clinton if he’d wanted to trip Howard up. But no, that’s not actually what happened. My sources have told me that the CIA actually plotted to trip up John Howard – as revenge for the Clinton/Greg Norman Incident.

Of course, we all know Clinton was sloshed as a president, that’s why he fell over. Fortunately John Howard is too boring to be even the slightest bit tipsy, so the plan failed. But the evidence is clear – it was no accident!

It’s true! Look at the news footage very carefully and you’ll see a dark figure put banana skin on the ground in front of Howard and then slip away into the shadows.

I think this is unacceptable behaviour. Fun, yes, but unacceptable. It’s a slap in the face from the US, and I don’t think we should stand for it! I SAY WE DECLARE WAR NOW!

I don’t care if they’ve got enough firepower to destroy the world a dozen times over and all we’ve got is some irritated wallabies! We’ll show them that they can’t insult our country and get away with it! My fellow Australians! Be ready! We attack at dawn!

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