Crime wave

So, it’s finally happened. I never thought I’d be the victim. I thought it would never happen to me. But I’ve finally become another helpless statistic in the vicious wave of crime sweeping our city.

My bike got stolen.

I noticed it on Saturday – ironically, the day the local police station were having a bicycle marking day, in an effort to combat the apparently large numbers of stolen bikes.

Actually, it could have been stolen any time in about the last two months. It’s been locked up out the back of our block since we moved in, and I’ve only been giving it a glance on the odd occasion that I feel inclined to take the bins out for the weekly collection.

You’ve probably guessed by now, guilty as I might feel saying it, that I won’t actually miss it a great deal. I haven’t used it in a couple of years now, after succumbing to a mild cycling-related illness known as laziness.

The bike itself wasn’t in excessively good condition, as is the case with most bikes that have been neglected for a couple of years. But it’s still a shame. The old man that custom-built it ten years ago for my mum would probably be spinning in his grave.

So whichever bikeknappers… whichever scum sucking vermin cycleburglars have nabbed my bike, will have a pretty hefty repair job to get it into condition. They’ll need to replace the tubes, the gears are a bit wonky, the dynamo gave up the ghost many moons ago, and the ’84 Olympics "Wherever there’s a Will there’s a way to L.A." sticker is horribly dated.

Not to mention the poisonous spike implanted in the saddle. Oh, wait a minute, I took that out after the insurance people said it wasn’t strictly legal.

The police have been notified the theft. They assure me that even now, a sixty strong force dubbed "Operation Daniel’s Stolen Bike", led by someone of the calibre of Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, is combing the streets and probing the depths of the underworld to get it back.

So, I expect the nation’s media to be pounding on the door for an exclusive tear-jerking interview tomorrow, the bike back by Wednesday, and me riding it again next weekend…

Not!

PS. Sorry Mum.

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