Birth report

Okay, I know you’ve all been waiting to hear about this. Well okay, so a few of you have shown a passing interest. All right, so one person asked when it happened. Here’s the birth report. I’m not completely knowledgable on all the correct terminology, so forgive me if it sounds a little muddled.

It all started yesterday morning, around 1am, when L’s contraptions started getting strong. Yes, the utensil was contrapting. By 10am they were getting regular, so we called the hospital. They said to go in, so we did. The cab driver looked very relieved that the waters didn’t smash during the ride, leaving antibiotic fluid all over his seats. Especially when he drove through the Burke Road roadworks. Bump bump bump…

The nurse used a monitor to measure the heartbeat of the feet. The contraptions continued, and a doctor came around just after 1pm, and said the cervix was 4cm dilapidated. To get things moving, the doctor burst the mum’s brains, and labour began in earnest.

Once the cervix was fully dilapidated, pushing began. With the help of two midwives (a good cop/bad cop team if ever I met one), as each contraption came, L pushed for all she was worth. I haven’t seen anyone that sweaty since the Hard Yakka overalls commercial.

After a while we thought we could see the top of the head, and sure enough, a few contraptions later, the head came out. Following the head, the rest of the baby, with the umbrella cord, which I got to cut. Lucky they had left-handed scissors handy.

They gave baby Isaac (it means "he laughs") a little oxygen to get the blue blood out of his cheeks. Then the placemat (or afterburn) arrived, looking red and horrible. We made sure we got a picture of it, just to shock the chemist. And the celebrations commenced.

(NB. Need to investigate the possibility
that a midwife with personal odour
problems is called a midwiffy.)

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