The real me

Okay, time for a few home truths. It may surprise you to hear that I’m not a completely swinging manic lunatic who spends his days and nights partying, indulging in wild drinking, and making everyone in the surrounding area laugh constantly from dawn til dusk. I’m actually quite a boring individual, and you would probably fall asleep if you got stuck in a conversation with me for more than a couple of minutes. My idea of a wild weekend is a visit to K-Mart. It’s a late night if I’m in bed after 10. I don’tknow the words to the Roger Ramjet song. Well, not all of them. I have haircuts at a barber. I can’t even remember what frequency Triple-J is on. In fact, I’m so boring that my idea of a joke is to rabbit on about how boring I am.

I’m also pleased to be able to say that I’m not famous. I’ve never been recognised on the train. Stared at, yes, but not recognised.

And I’ve never been in trouble with the law. Yet. Though I have maliciously jaywalked once or twice. And returned my library books late. By mistake. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before they catch up with me.

"Right men, this is the target. Bowen, Daniel Francis. Offences over 15 years ranging from jaywalking, stealing other people’s junk mail, watering the plants too hard… Believed to be in possession of late library books. So, a real hard case. Not known to be armed unless you count a rather heavy sticky-tape dispenser he sometimes swings around. So here’s the plan: Ummm.. same as the last raid, really. Go in waving shotguns around, I guess. Any questions?"

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