What to do while waiting at the airport

Planes arrive late. For some reason, those in charge of planes (i.e. pilots) sometimes do very silly things, like fail to load enough fuel to quite make the distance, go via Fiji because of turbulence, forget about and overshoot Hawaii, accidentally take a wrong turning at Auckland, or even happily land in Austria before realising they’re over the wrong continent. Face it, you’re gonna need something to do while you wait.

1. Luckily, there’s usually lots to do in airports. Like give uncomfortability ratings to all the chairs in the various waiting areas. Watch the soapies on the TVs. Try to work out how many ratings points for these shows are attributable to people waiting in airports.

2. Wonder when it was that those armed guards actually tackled anyone armed with anything more threatening that a glass of lemonade. Test them out by setting off a firework.

3. Ask everyone you see where they’re going to, and see if any of them admit that "yeah, we’re off on one of them Thai sex tours…"

4. Ring the airline arrival hotline that you should have rang before you actually left to go to the airport. See who can guess the arrival time down to the nearest hour.

5. Go up to the observation deck and see if you can spot any planes touching wings in mid-flight. See how long it takes to freeze up there, before giving up and going back down to the cafeteria for a hot drink and a view at the window that’s just as good.

6. Pretend to be a disgruntled tourist balking at the $25 departure tax. "You mean it already cost me thousands of dollars to set foot in this godforsaken country of yours and you wanna charge me to leave?!?"

7. Take along your electronics kit and see if you can pick up (and interfere with) control tower broadcasts.

8. Hang around International Arrivals with a sign saying "Dr U. G. Koorier".

9. Compare how many different types of condoms and travellers’ kits are in the machines in each toilet.

10. Sneak into the airport offices, get hold of a PA microphone and make a "We regret to inform you that flight XXX has plummeted out of the sky and ummm… well, let’s just say I hope your relatives can swim…"

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