I mean, okay, maybe you need the truck to do whatever work you’re doing in the adjacent shop. But why completely block the footpath with it, forcing people onto the street to get around it? How about finding an actual spot on the street?

Irritating enough for able-bodied pedestrians like me. Doubly irritating for people with kids and heavy shopping. Triple for prams, wheelchairs, the blind.

1. I’m turning right. You’re turning left. But I got here first and my car is bigger than yours, so I’m going to go first.

2. Sure, I can park here on this corner. Why not?

3. Sure, I can park here. Why not? Pah, pedestrians, school kids? Who cares?

PS. Tuesday pm: A great little video on the topic of 4WDs.

Dear Car 2, it’s not your fault.

Car 1 has parked in a stupid way, in the middle of two spots.

But you can’t fit there.

Really, you can’t. No matter how many times you try. Whatever angle you come in at.

Your car is bigger than the space that is left.

You might as well give up, and find another spot.

Honestly.

I’m not sure, but I think the car was a blue Ford Falcon.

I’m not sure, but OZC 821 may have been the licence plate number.

I’m not sure, but the lady driving it may have been eating an apple.

I’m not sure, but she may have got her driver licence in a corn flakes packet.

I am sure most people don’t drive that fast up to a pedestrian crossing showing a red light against them; stop a full car-length past the stop line, fouling the crossing (after the people had crossed, thankfully); then take off before the light goes green again.

I’m not sure, but I think she is a moron.

What the FUCK do you think you’re doing, Mr White Stationwagon? Where the FUCK did you get your driver’s licence? Why the FUCK do you think you can decide as you’re driving through an intersection in the left hand lane, that you are suddenly going to turn right, across three lanes of traffic, cutting me off as I’m about to turn right the other way, leaving my car helplessly stuck in the intersection? It’s not as if that’s a FUCKING hook turn there, and even if it was, you didn’t do it FUCKING properly, did you?

Ahem. Pardon that burst of invective, but I don’t particularly like having sudden scares like that as I’m peacefully driving home of an evening. I think I’ll eat some chocolate.

The rest of the day before that was comparitively calm. Went to work, did stuff, had dinner, headed home.

At Melbourne Central Station I tried to balance on some weirdo bar things they’ve installed, which are too low to sit on or lean against, and got out the book I’ve been reading, Sue Townsend’s Public Confessions of a Middle-Aged Woman. It’s not quite as compelling as Adrian Mole ever was, and on some train journeys I can’t be bothered getting it out to read it. But I’ll keep at it for a bit longer, if only because (a) my sister gave it to me, and I’d feel guilty if I didn’t give it a proper go, and (b) given its extremely pink cover, to prove I’m comfortable with my sexuality by reading it in public.

When I got off the train I wandered into the supermarket, thinking I might pick up one or two items, and coming out with $25 worth. The teenaged checkout chick was astonishingly chirpy to each customer, jabbering away as she scanned things, asking if I’d been at work, had it been a hard day, how many hours I worked (?!) and finally remarking as she scanned the two chocolate bilbies I’d bought for the kids’ Easter presents, “Oh! They’re so cute!” It’s situations like these that I always wonder what the reaction would be if a jumbo box of condoms was in the mix.

It’s been a fun April Fools Day, scouring the media for spoof reports. On the net the most successful has been the Google “G-Mail” one, having been picked up by the major outlets including CNN, BBC and News.com. I suppose they can all claim later they were in on the joke. The original press release pretty much gives it away. ABC Online originally covered it like the others, but now seems suspicious. Funny stuff.

PS. 2/1/2004. Or is it real after all??

Obviously some people have great problems using their indicators. After all, when your hands are on the steering wheel, the switch is a long long way away, and so awkwardly placed too.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the first day of the month is when they let all the idiots onto the roads. There’s no other possible explanation.

For on Saturday afternoon I was driving down Glen Huntly Road, and I saw a car reversing towards me at speed. Apparently they’d wanted to get out of their parking spot, and go down a street 200 metres behind them, and couldn’t be bothered doing a U-turn. Idiots.

Then later waiting in the front of a line of traffic in Droop Street, Footscray, opposite me there was heavy traffic coming the other way. Some guy decided he didn’t want to wait for the rest of them, and drove up to the lights on the wrong side of the road, with his left indicator on. When the lights went green for them (with a green right-turn arrow, so I had to wait a little longer) he crossed the line of cars all turning right, somehow without hitting any of them, and went merrily on his way. Bizarro.

Add to this a range of people indicating as they drove along with no intention of turning or switching lanes, others turning or switching lanes without indicating (like it’s so hard to reach the switch), some straddling the bike lanes, double-parking in heavy traffic to have a conversation with someone on the road side. Yes, Saturday, a great day to be behind the wheel.

I was going to tell you how on Sunday at a set of lights I burned off a woman in a car that looked a little like an ex-girlfriend, but I’ve decided that would sound overly vindictive.

A couple of years ago, I had a regular TCWF feature called "Moron of the Week". It showcased a particularly moronic driver I’d seen on the roads that week. People liked it, but I got tired of the concept. Tonight however, I spotted one.

Getting off the tram to go home, a woman in a red sports car came alongside the tram and failed to stop at the back door for me to get off (as required by law and as required to prevent hapless tram passengers such as myself being kersplatted all over the street). It stopped between the front and rear doors, and I walked around it.

A few seconds later when it and the tram took off again, I noticed in big yellow letters that it had a "For Sale" sign, with a mobile phone number.

I hummed and hahhed, and then whipped out my mobile phone for a little fun. I dialled, and the woman answered.

"Hello?"

"Are you driving the car?"

"What?"

"Are you driving the car?"

"Oh. Yes."

"Well next time, stop behind the tram. Don’t go past the door; you almost ran me over."

(Sheepish) "I know. Sorry."

"Okay. Bye."

(Still sheepish) "Bye."

Isn’t technology wonderful?